Three Painted Nails

This is insane, I thought to myself as I unloaded the dishwasher.  Madison is having a nap, I'm changing out her baby spoons for big girl spoons, and forks!, and knives!! (Ok, we aren't there quite yet, but they come in the pack of cutlery). I look at my hands, fine wrinkles, broken nails, chipped clear nail polish.  And I think to myself, I'd love a manicure.  And a pedicure.   And a massage.     Mother's Day is around the corner, surely I can attain one of these goals, if not all three.   'Wishful thinking' I say out loud as the kid practically runs past me, chasing the fat cat while trying to eat raisins out of the box.  Do you know how hard it is to teach a 13.75 month old how to eat raisins?   They eat the cardboard.  You can't stop them, even if you show them.  Just let it fucking happen.   Cardboard is probably the least shitty thing your kid will eat that day.   Where.  Did.  My.  Life.  Go? ...

Our bundle of joy was due March 6th.  I had that whole gut feeling, maternal instinct vibe that said baby would be early.  So I thought it was going to happen on Feb 27th.   And then I changed it to Feb 29th - a leap year baby!.  And then I just hoped it wasn't on March 1st.   And after that I stopped counting.  I was too fat and getting too miserable to be optimistic for an early arrival.  I settled with expecting the baby to be really late.  And I wasn't entirely disappointed by that. Once you're 4 weeks out your doctor visits happen weekly and they can do what they call a 'cervical sweep'.  If you're clever you can figure out that they will stick their fingers in there and make a sweeping motion inside your cervix.   This is very uncomfortable.  By far the most painful thing (up to that point anyway) and its purpose is to loosen the cervix enough that it could make your water break.   Except for me and this stubborn child,...