Three Painted Nails

I could have made a checklist.  I felt like I had every token issue from head to toe and I bitched about most of them. A - Appetite... I didn't crave anything until the last month or so, and that was cinnamon buns.  I hated ketchup though for a few weeks in the beginning.  Actually I'm a little miffed that I didn't get to have the 3 am freak out that I NEEDED a cheeseburger from McDonald's and send Mike off in a snow storm. B - Braxton-Hicks...these damn "practice" cramps to prepare you for labour.  In hindsight, does not prepare you at all. C - Constipation...see previous blog post.  All the blood in your body is used in more important areas so pooping is not a priority.  Fiber, Metamucil and stool softeners are your friends. D - ??  I'm sure there is something that I just can't think of. E - Emotions...some women have it way worse than I did, but I sure cried at a lot of things: Commercials, Facebook posts, my dog, the fact that someone ate the...

Babies come in all shapes and sizes, as do potatoes, penises and attitudes, and there is no manual.  But pregnancy is a whole other shit show.   They've printed books, written articles, created websites and filmed tv shows.  There is advice from your mom, your grandmom, your mother-in-law and every other person with a uterus.  And even advice from people without a vagina.  If it's been tried it's been studied and documented, if it didn't work they've got that down on paper too.  Baby books are a 62 billion dollar* a year industry in North Amercia. *I made that up.   And I bought right into it.  I actually bought a book before we were even trying, called What to Expect Before You're Expecting, maybe 5 years ago.  I read almost the whole thing and I learned next to nothing.  There was one thing that did stick with me though and that was this:   The eggs of a 30 year old smoker are the equivalent of a 40 year olds non-smokers egg...

Because of the risk of multiples my doctor scheduled me for an early ultrasound.  Usually pregnant women don't get their first one until week 12, but Clomid patients get one at week 7.  The difference in size in the fetus is negligible at that time, but I gather they want to know how many seeds your're sprouting.  Better to find out earlier that you're breeding a baseball team I guess?   It'll give you time to save up for a minivan. That first ultrasound was pretty surreal for me.  Not only was I actually having a kid, but I was about to see/hear it for the first time.  I was so nervous.  As I laid on the table I looked over at Mike and started to sweat.  Please, please, let this only be one kid.  There was a tiny part of me that wanted twins, at least that way I wouldn't have an only child, and I'll get it over in one go.  Kill two birds with one stone as they say.  I clasped my hands across my chest and stared at the monitor. ...

I think the people at ClearBlue and First Response owe me a thank you.  I put their kids through college buying ovulation kits and pregnancy tests.  There was always one or two in my bathroom, and likely one in the garbage can.  I also learned that the dollar store sells tests for $1.25.  I could never justify buying those ones though, as I didn't trust a pee test a la Dollarama, but to save a few bucks I should have! The day started as any other, it was a Monday morning and I was thrilled to be going to work.   Ha, I'm lying.  Because I was so accustomed to tracking my period I knew that I should start my next cycle on Thursday or Friday of this week and I drove to work planning out my lunch break: where I'll go to eat and therefore which drugstore is nearby?  The Shoppers Drug Mart cashier was probably getting used to seeing me in there :/.  I spent the morning working away, questioning if I was really going to spend another 30 bucks on a two ...

I wasn't getting any younger, and even though he is a year younger than I am, he was also no spring chicken.  So not only did I have baby fever, my clock was ticking and my time was running out.  We made numerous jokes about how my eggs were all dried up.  Maybe they were scrambled eggs from all the years of birth control and the copious amount of tequila I drank.  Jokes about carrying his cell phone in his front pocket for years and using his laptop directly on his lap.  Jokes that slowly stopped being funny. Early in January 2014 we found out that we had a chance to go to Europe.  London specifically and we would have time to visit other cities if we so desired.  We'd been married eight months by then and decided that we were ready to start 'trying'.   I put that in quotes because we really hate that term, yet there isn't a better word.  What we did do though, is pull the goalie.  I hope I don't really need to explain the metafore, b...

There was a bet once.  Placed by our friends during our first housewarming party in the summer of 2010.  The wager?   When we would have our first kid by.  The guesses ranged from never to November 2013, with varying dates in between and pretend money on the table. There may have been a time that fall where I told him "I want a baby".  That statement may have been made after more than two beers.  There were discussions on how we will raise a child, with what values and morals.  What his or her name will be, how many will we have?  He grew up an only child to a mostly single mom; I was from a family of five.  I was adamant that if he ever convinced me to have a kid, I'll want more than one.  I don't want an only child, I believe the bond between siblings teaches you things that you wouldn't necessarily learn as an only kid.  What sports will they play and will they attend public, catholic or french school?   He was adamant ...

I told everyone.  Friends in high school, people I worked with, close family members and strangers on the street.  I was going to live in an apartment in New York City, with my husband and a dog.  I was going to travel the world.  I don't want to be fat.  I'm too selfish.  I have no desire to push a watermelon out of my vagina.  If I ever changed my mind, I would adopt (" there is no reason for me to bring another baby into the world when there are so many out there that need my help" was my go to line). Everyone told me.  My mom told me, my friends, strangers on the street and people I worked with.  You'll change your mind.  You're just too young right now.  Wait until you meet the right guy.  Tell me how you feel when you're in your thirties.  Once you're married and settled down, you'll change your mind.  You'll change your mind, you'll change your mind, you'll change your mind. I spent my twenties working and...