They didn't talk about this in the book!?!

Babies come in all shapes and sizes, as do potatoes, penises and attitudes, and there is no manual.  But pregnancy is a whole other shit show.   They've printed books, written articles, created websites and filmed tv shows.  There is advice from your mom, your grandmom, your mother-in-law and every other person with a uterus.  And even advice from people without a vagina.  If it's been tried it's been studied and documented, if it didn't work they've got that down on paper too.  Baby books are a 62 billion dollar* a year industry in North Amercia.

*I made that up.  

And I bought right into it.  I actually bought a book before we were even trying, called What to Expect Before You're Expecting, maybe 5 years ago.  I read almost the whole thing and I learned next to nothing.  There was one thing that did stick with me though and that was this:  The eggs of a 30 year old smoker are the equivalent of a 40 year olds non-smokers eggs.  That one fact stuck with me for a long time.  And it made enough of an impact on me that I did quit smoking, maybe 10 months or so after I read it.  I'm now almost 4 years smoke free and it's one of the best things I've ever done.   

Back to carrying this child, I went through a whole slew of issues.  None of them life threatening, and truly, none deserving of mention, but there will be details below that you may not want to know about.  If you don't want to know then stop now.  If you've given birth before, or have a tough stomach, continue on.  I will also preface the following with: I know every woman is different, and this may not have happened to you, but this blog is about me, not you :). 

I feel like I spent the first four months of pregnancy telling my husband and my mom a variation of this sentence: "they don't tell you that in the books!"    My first real symptom was my boobs started to hurt.  It wasn't anything like what I thought it would be I guess, it was more like a dull ache, and I think I expected actual pain.  But what the book didn't tell me was that your nipples will change.    Yup, they will get bigger and rounder and darker.   What the hell?!  Was something Mike said early on when he saw me after a shower.  Thanks babe, way to make be feel good ;).   Then came the morning sickness.  For me that was a beast, and one that chose to rebel and be the afternoon sickness.   For the most part, I felt the best in the morning after a goods nights sleep.  And once lunch time hit I would brace myself for the coming hours.  I spent many minutes in the bathroom stall at work, waiting for the inevitable.  But what was maybe even more frustrating was that nothing was actually coming up.  I would feel nauseous and sweaty and leave the bathroom feeling unaccomplished and knowing that I'd be back in there 17 minutes later.    It's quite possible that I only actually threw up a handful of times in the first 3 months, but I spent more time in the toilet than I have in the past year :/


I also googled every symptom known to man.  If my knuckle hurt I thought that was an issue,  until I realized that I was making myself crazy, and probably my husband too.  Man has enough shit to deal with.    I had regular doctor appointments and everything was hunky dory.  I actually wasn't gaining quite enough weight, but we honestly chalked that up to my not drinking beer. The baby was taking over the weight gain and I was actually losing a few pounds.  Not to worry the doctor reassured me, you're doing just fine.  Keep eating, keep taking your vitamins.     Side note...the prenatal vitamins are enormous.  Horse pills goddmanit.   It's hard enough to keep my lunch down let alone swallow a giant pill and keep that down too.  There were maybe more days forgotten than taken.  Meh.  She turned out fine.


I remember a day visiting my mom and Mike took the dog for a walk.  It gave me the chance to blow off some steam that hubby was not prepared to handle.   So after a delicious dinner I let loose.    Why don't they tell you that you can't shit for days?!?!   Why don't they tell you that you'll cry at a Charmin toilet paper commercial on tv???!    They don't tell you that once you hear that heartbeat there is nothing in the world that matters as much as that sound.  That all you want to do is sleep for days.   That you lie awake at night debating wether you can do this or not, if you and the hubby are ready for this.

This is going to be a two-parter, because I'm off to a concert now!