Women all over the world hate her!
I could have made a checklist. I felt like I had every token issue from head to toe and I bitched about most of them.
A - Appetite... I didn't crave anything until the last month or so, and that was cinnamon buns. I hated ketchup though for a few weeks in the beginning. Actually I'm a little miffed that I didn't get to have the 3 am freak out that I NEEDED a cheeseburger from McDonald's and send Mike off in a snow storm.
B - Braxton-Hicks...these damn "practice" cramps to prepare you for labour. In hindsight, does not prepare you at all.
C - Constipation...see previous blog post. All the blood in your body is used in more important areas so pooping is not a priority. Fiber, Metamucil and stool softeners are your friends.
D - ?? I'm sure there is something that I just can't think of.
E - Emotions...some women have it way worse than I did, but I sure cried at a lot of things: Commercials, Facebook posts, my dog, the fact that someone ate the last egg...
F - Falling asleep anywhere, anytime. I wish I could have taken a month off and just slept. Month four would have been nice, as I seemed to be the most tired then, having naps in my car at lunch time and getting home from work and napping until dinner. Or staying awake until dinner and then sleeping from 7 pm until the morning. (Holy shit, do I ever miss those days).
G - Gestational Diabetes. I was very lucky that I did not have it, but every pregnant woman has to drink "The Drink". If you've had a baby you know what I mean, if you haven't you're fortunate. This is like thick, grainy orange drink (remember the ones from McDonald's when you were a kid?). But its terrible, and you have to finish it within 10 minutes or something. I'm sure actually having GD is worse than the drink, but man this shit tastes bad.
H - Heartburn...my god, the heartburn. For me it started very early on and lasted until the moment she came out, literally. And you can't take prescription medication, so you eat Tums and Zantac like you own them. I sent Mike to the pharmacy when I was in labour because I needed more Zantac. He bought a 30 pack and fed me two while I was having contractions. About 10 minutes after delivery he asked me how my heartburn was doing, and I was surprised to tell him it was gone entirely. Damn, baby really does mess with your insides.
Honorable mention: Hemorrhoids. I will not elaborate.
I - Ice cream cravings. By the end of the third trimester I finally had some cravings, and they were for cinnamon buns and ice cream.
J -
K -
L - Lightening Crotch. This is a real thing. It actually is your pubic bone separating in preparation for the baby, and it feels as bad as it sounds. Sharp, stabbing pains that catch you off guard and nearly paralyze you while they last. What they don't tell you is that the reverse effect happens after you've delivered the baby. So two weeks later you're drinking a coffee, staring at your precious ball of skin and you feel the pain all over again.
M -
N - Numbness... toes and hands. It started in my extremities and worked its way closer to my core. By the end I was numb most of the way up my leg and both hands were completely numb. To this day my left foot hasn't recovered its feeling. I should probably get that looked at.
O -
P- Physiotherapy... from week 7 - 14 I had such bad Sciatica that I was referred to a physiotherapist and massage therapist to try to work on my back. I'd had it for years before getting pregnant but the way babies are in utero makes all cases of it flare right up.
Q - Quiet! Headaches are a killer, especially because you can't take anything to stop them.
R - Restless Leg Syndrome, a horrible feeling when your legs hurt laying in bed. It feels like pins and needles and the only thing that helps is getting up. But getting up doesn't help you when you're trying to fall asleep. A terrible catch 22.
S - Swollen Feet...I looked like an elephant by the end of it, I only had one pair of boots that I could fit into, and I wished daily that I was pregnant in the summer so flip flops would suffice. Not the case in February.
T - Tunnel, Carpal (I already had a "C" above). I have had this off and on since I was a teenager, but around month 5 it got really bad. I remember carrying a tray at work and almost dropping it. I thought it was a fluke until the numbness and tingling didn't go away a few days later. Shortly after that I was wearing a brace on my right hand. Maybe two months after that I had one on my left hand. I looked pretty ridiculous. The only thing that helps get rid of the carpal tunnel is having the baby. It also disappeared as fast as my heartburn - so crazy. The minute the pressure of the baby is off of you its like your whole body goes "ahhhh I can function again".
U - Uncomfortable. All the time. My pants got too tight but I was too small to wear maternity clothes. I lived in tank tops. I'm very glad my office didn't require a formal dress code. My mother in law bought me two - 2 !! - MuMu's because she thought I needed to feel comfortable. If you don't know what a MuMu is, go google it right now. Stop reading. Don't say you can't - you're holding the Google machine in your hand right now. I'll wait. I bought a pair of knock off Uggs to wear in the winter because I knew that I wouldn't be able to bend down to tie up my boots. I still had to ask for help the whole winter. Usually to get them on because when you are carrying a basketball in your stretchy top its hard as hell to bend over.
V - Vegas! We did one last trip in December, and I learned it was very hard to be there and not drink.
W - Waddling. After a certain point you're no longer graceful, you waddle like a penguin.
X -
Y -
Z - Zits...I broke out like a teenager and it continued until I was in my post-partum stage.
Here's the thing. I had all of these "issues" and more that I'm sure I've forgotten. The reason this entry has the click-bait title is because I'm poking fun. I bitched about a lot of things when I was pregnant. But looking back, I'm really damn lucky.
I gained 18 pounds. I bought my first two pairs of skinny jeans (and leggings) when I was five months along and wore them until I gave birth. My nails had never been prettier. I have a husband who gave in to any craving I had or dealt with any mood swing that came up. I didn't have GD, I didn't have to go on bed rest. I was so fortunate to have such a smooth pregnancy. My labour story is also pretty amazing...
A - Appetite... I didn't crave anything until the last month or so, and that was cinnamon buns. I hated ketchup though for a few weeks in the beginning. Actually I'm a little miffed that I didn't get to have the 3 am freak out that I NEEDED a cheeseburger from McDonald's and send Mike off in a snow storm.
B - Braxton-Hicks...these damn "practice" cramps to prepare you for labour. In hindsight, does not prepare you at all.
C - Constipation...see previous blog post. All the blood in your body is used in more important areas so pooping is not a priority. Fiber, Metamucil and stool softeners are your friends.
D - ?? I'm sure there is something that I just can't think of.
E - Emotions...some women have it way worse than I did, but I sure cried at a lot of things: Commercials, Facebook posts, my dog, the fact that someone ate the last egg...
F - Falling asleep anywhere, anytime. I wish I could have taken a month off and just slept. Month four would have been nice, as I seemed to be the most tired then, having naps in my car at lunch time and getting home from work and napping until dinner. Or staying awake until dinner and then sleeping from 7 pm until the morning. (Holy shit, do I ever miss those days).
G - Gestational Diabetes. I was very lucky that I did not have it, but every pregnant woman has to drink "The Drink". If you've had a baby you know what I mean, if you haven't you're fortunate. This is like thick, grainy orange drink (remember the ones from McDonald's when you were a kid?). But its terrible, and you have to finish it within 10 minutes or something. I'm sure actually having GD is worse than the drink, but man this shit tastes bad.
H - Heartburn...my god, the heartburn. For me it started very early on and lasted until the moment she came out, literally. And you can't take prescription medication, so you eat Tums and Zantac like you own them. I sent Mike to the pharmacy when I was in labour because I needed more Zantac. He bought a 30 pack and fed me two while I was having contractions. About 10 minutes after delivery he asked me how my heartburn was doing, and I was surprised to tell him it was gone entirely. Damn, baby really does mess with your insides.
Honorable mention: Hemorrhoids. I will not elaborate.
I - Ice cream cravings. By the end of the third trimester I finally had some cravings, and they were for cinnamon buns and ice cream.
J -
K -
L - Lightening Crotch. This is a real thing. It actually is your pubic bone separating in preparation for the baby, and it feels as bad as it sounds. Sharp, stabbing pains that catch you off guard and nearly paralyze you while they last. What they don't tell you is that the reverse effect happens after you've delivered the baby. So two weeks later you're drinking a coffee, staring at your precious ball of skin and you feel the pain all over again.
M -
N - Numbness... toes and hands. It started in my extremities and worked its way closer to my core. By the end I was numb most of the way up my leg and both hands were completely numb. To this day my left foot hasn't recovered its feeling. I should probably get that looked at.
O -
P- Physiotherapy... from week 7 - 14 I had such bad Sciatica that I was referred to a physiotherapist and massage therapist to try to work on my back. I'd had it for years before getting pregnant but the way babies are in utero makes all cases of it flare right up.
Q - Quiet! Headaches are a killer, especially because you can't take anything to stop them.
R - Restless Leg Syndrome, a horrible feeling when your legs hurt laying in bed. It feels like pins and needles and the only thing that helps is getting up. But getting up doesn't help you when you're trying to fall asleep. A terrible catch 22.
S - Swollen Feet...I looked like an elephant by the end of it, I only had one pair of boots that I could fit into, and I wished daily that I was pregnant in the summer so flip flops would suffice. Not the case in February.
T - Tunnel, Carpal (I already had a "C" above). I have had this off and on since I was a teenager, but around month 5 it got really bad. I remember carrying a tray at work and almost dropping it. I thought it was a fluke until the numbness and tingling didn't go away a few days later. Shortly after that I was wearing a brace on my right hand. Maybe two months after that I had one on my left hand. I looked pretty ridiculous. The only thing that helps get rid of the carpal tunnel is having the baby. It also disappeared as fast as my heartburn - so crazy. The minute the pressure of the baby is off of you its like your whole body goes "ahhhh I can function again".
U - Uncomfortable. All the time. My pants got too tight but I was too small to wear maternity clothes. I lived in tank tops. I'm very glad my office didn't require a formal dress code. My mother in law bought me two - 2 !! - MuMu's because she thought I needed to feel comfortable. If you don't know what a MuMu is, go google it right now. Stop reading. Don't say you can't - you're holding the Google machine in your hand right now. I'll wait. I bought a pair of knock off Uggs to wear in the winter because I knew that I wouldn't be able to bend down to tie up my boots. I still had to ask for help the whole winter. Usually to get them on because when you are carrying a basketball in your stretchy top its hard as hell to bend over.
V - Vegas! We did one last trip in December, and I learned it was very hard to be there and not drink.
W - Waddling. After a certain point you're no longer graceful, you waddle like a penguin.
X -
Y -
Z - Zits...I broke out like a teenager and it continued until I was in my post-partum stage.
Here's the thing. I had all of these "issues" and more that I'm sure I've forgotten. The reason this entry has the click-bait title is because I'm poking fun. I bitched about a lot of things when I was pregnant. But looking back, I'm really damn lucky.
I gained 18 pounds. I bought my first two pairs of skinny jeans (and leggings) when I was five months along and wore them until I gave birth. My nails had never been prettier. I have a husband who gave in to any craving I had or dealt with any mood swing that came up. I didn't have GD, I didn't have to go on bed rest. I was so fortunate to have such a smooth pregnancy. My labour story is also pretty amazing...
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