A Pandemic. A Post.

I don't know where to start. 

This will probably come out as a jumbled, off the cuff, nonsense post but maybe I need it.  It feels like a lot of emotions are just bubbling under the surface and I no longer know how to cope with them.

We have been on lockdown since March 12th.  Seventy-seven days.   With an infant, a toddler with no end to her energy supply and a husband who now works from home in our basement.  I feel like every single day that passes I am closer to a meltdown.  I'm closer to returning to work, I'm closer to my oldest daughter because she's only in daycare part time, I'm closer to the can of beer in my fridge.  I'm closer to running away and yet I'm closer to my family than maybe we've ever been.  I'm closer to forty, and I feel it - hard. 

I'm also distant.   I'm not present in my everyday life... the day just... goes by.   Is this how Bill Murray felt in Groundhog Day?   I literally wake up and I groan (to be fair I'm mostly groaning because I'm old and my body hurts).  By noon I wonder a number of things (Can I drink yet? Is it seriously only noon? I don't even care what’s for dinner! How early can I get these kids to bed? Can I afford a nanny?  This farm is a mess!)  For 77 days.  In the beginning it was a bit exciting, everyone is here, lots of homemade meals, movies and popcorn.  But eventually the morning Bailey's in my coffee grew old and the winter that seemed to last an extra month just wore me down.

I am quite sure that a lot of this has to do with being on maternity leave and although she has always been a pretty good sleeper, she is now fighting nap times and teething. That's a lovely combination if you don't know.  It's a whole different ballgame when you have an older kid, all I want to do is sleep when the baby sleeps.  Ha.  I will now freely admit that I have, on more than one occasion, crawled into bed with Maddy and turned on Frozen 2.   I leave the baby monitor on and tell the kid to wake me up if the baby cries.  No shame.

I had visions of grandeur that baby Ellie and I would tour the mall, the library, the zoo and all that.   Maddy should be done her second set of swim lessons by now.   So far she has practiced swimming in the bathtub and watched more hours of YouTube Kids than I am willing to admit.  Some small wins, like her bike riding, and she can write her own name now.  But those pale in comparison to the long days I was looking forward to. 

I miss my best friend.   She is considered an essential worker, and so she's out in the public every day.  Granted for the first while she was limited to a small number of coworkers but recently is open to the public.  Her job is demanding and ever changing and because of that she's tired and stressed out all the time.  I want to be there for her, and I always am a FaceTime or Houseparty away. I hope she knows that.  I may have screaming children in the room, but I'll pick up the phone.   Ok, real talk, I'll answer the phone, it's already in my hand.  I can tell you that I'm on my phone more often.  I know this for a fact because every Sunday morning my lovely iPhone tells me that my average screen time is up 8,393% from this year last time.  It basically said, "do you ever turn me off?"  Something something "screen time is up to 16.35 hours per day"... bitch shut up.  I pay for you; I charge you overnight.   Just let me play CandyCrush Soda and don't remind me that there is laundry in the dryer ok?  Good. 

In the beginning I was okay with this whole situation to be fair.  I'm already on maternity leave, I don't have much else going on.  We did a big grocery shop and spent too much money at the liquor store, but I was okay to settle in for a while.  A state of emergency was called in Calgary the night my mom babysat the girls.  It feels like the apocalypse happened while we were out.  Gladly, my husband had asked Grandma to come over, it's like he sensed that we'd be stuck inside for a while.  But never did either of us imagine three months of this. 

In the early days my daily trolling was filled with Instagram posts of celebrities who are doing something cool to pass the time... Garth and Trisha (4 times I think now, the 4th of which almost set me over the fucking edge when Mike and I got into it about how many times I've seen a live stream of them in quarantine)   ALL I WANT IS A HALF A FUCKING HOUR TO WATCH MY OTHER HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE SING SONGS THAT I CAN CRY TO OKAY ???!!!!  Damn. 

But Ellen had funny posts, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon are keeping me entertained during this. Disney's Family Sing along.   Now it seems they've all faded away....  sure, the late-night guys are still doing a show but it seems like everyone else has given up.   We've even resorted to showing Madison old episodes of Rescue Rangers and Rainbow Brite.    We neeeeeeeed something other than Peppa Pig. 

I miss my mom friends.   Maybe it's just me, but in the beginning we HousePartied a lot.  at least once a week, some a few times more.  I wonder now, are they all still meeting, and I'm not invited? Are we all meeting less because now its warmer out and so we are busy outside?  (When the pandemic started it was cold and shitty and snowy, so I suppose it didn't seem too bad to be stuck inside).

I'm writing this from a pub right now, finally.   It's my usual location to write as Mike stays with the girls and I get to escape for a few hours.   But it's so different now.  The restaurants in Calgary have been open for four days, the ones outside of the city have been open for two weeks now.  Every day we wait for the Alberta Health update on COVID-19.   We mock and joke and for the most part my husband and I are on the same page.  Not a conversation I want to get in here, this isn't a place for my opinion and yours to differ.  We happily went to the pub the day they opened in Okotoks.  It was foreign.   We stood at the front doors waiting to be sat, but first they took our temperatures, the staff all wearing masks and the food runners were wearing gloves.  It felt like we were on a different planet.   I don't like it.  I don't want to have to live like this, I don't want to have to teach Madison what Coronavirus is.  Her precious little brain has enough to deal with learning to ride a bike and how to be gentle with her sister.  Poor girl doesn't need the stress of this.  We have kept her in daycare, she's actually the only kid going right now, the other childrens' parents likely got laid off and no longer require care.  But Maddy goes for a lot of reasons.  The two most important are her mental health and mine.  I always planned on keeping her in daycare so that Ellie and I can have our time together.   Maddy needs to see her best friend.  I need to see mine.  We have had one 10 minute driveway visit since this all went down.  I am the more lenient one and would love for her to join me for nachos, but I respect her decision to wait.  As much as she probably thinks I'm crazy she appears to respect mine as well.  ("mine as well ;p").   When she finally meets me for a beer it will be the best one I've had in months 😘.

We learned last week that the Zoo is open now, and playgrounds will hopefully be on June 1st.  It breaks my heart to see her face as we drive by her two favourite parks on the way out of the subdivision.   ** BREAKING NEWS ** As I type this out the City of Calgary has declared that playgrounds will open tomorrow!!!  *some conditions apply.    OMFG!!    I'm bringing a cooler and a tent, we can stay there all fucking day for all I care.  If you care to join us text me. **END BREAKING NEWS **    But we also have used this time to get a bit closer together.  I (we) taught Madison how to ride a bike.  I have been so proud of her so many times in her short little life but nothing I can remember makes me feel like I did last night when the two of us went for our first bike ride.  She was fantastic.  We rode for almost 4 kilometers, and she only fell once and only stopped to pick dandelions once.  As she was picking her weeds and shoving them under my chin (yes, I like butter Maddy) she declared that she was bored.  Tough titties kid get back on the bike, we're almost home.  She followed my instructions when I told her to brake or to stop at the upcoming intersection.   And three quarters of the way through she stood up.   I nearly shit myself.   She was in a good glide and all on her own decided that she was confident enough to try it.  Didn't ask me, didn't tell me.  She stood up tall and proud, wind blowing her tiny blond curls.  I laughed out loud to no one and thought 'her dad's gonna freak out'.  She's his baby girl you know. 

Speaking of.   He's been the best lockdown partner I could ever ask for.  I'm sure that comes across as bragging or maybe even sounds like a lie, but it's not.  I knew when I met him there was a reason that we could talk for hours and never get bored of each other.  Which is just so damn surprising sometimes considering how different we are.  Sure, we have had moments of piss off, you're buggin me, or something to that effect but we both know how to let each other deal with their current emotion.  Did I mention that we also had our seventh wedding anniversary during this lockdown?  Thank god that Okotoks had somewhere for us to go to have a few beers to celebrate.  Not ever did we think that only a few years into our lives would we be in this situation.  Of course we would have been just as happy cooking a nice steak dinner at home if the restaurant wasn't open but.... nah. fuck it!  Support the economy! lol.   Oh, I'm sure a few of you are furrowing your eyebrows at this point.   

The biggest change honestly for us is that Mike now has a job that is 95% WFH.  At the beginning of this shit show Mike was interviewing for a new position at a different company.  He was on edge because he wasn't even sure if they would go through with the offer considering everything was locking down, but IT is an essential service, and he's sought after, so I was never worried.  But I'm the proud wife who has always been his cheerleader.  The position starts up and he's off to the races basement?!   Video meetings to introduce himself to the other folks working in dress shirts and boxer shorts.  Seeing the garage set ups and random children that bust in during a meeting.  I’m so proud of him for taking on such a big change during this, making a name for himself, getting in good with the big bosses.  But about two weeks into his work from home life he came upstairs colder than a corpse and said fuck it, let's fix the basement.  I go along with this idea assuming him and I will do the work after bedtimes and on the weekends.  Let's be real, I don't want to do any of the work.  I want to pay someone.  And so, we did.   Five days later our brand-new basement was ready to go.  Had we done the work ourselves we'd still be painting.  And likely would be much angrier at each other.    Now we go down there and just hang out.  Maddy is using her new play area, Mike has a pseudo office area and the tv now shares a space with an expensive exercise bike that has not yet become a clothes rack. 

I miss my uncle.   He lives in a long-term care facility that miraculously has not been infected with the 'rona.  He watches some strange movies on our shared TV app and I can guarantee he's more bored than anyone else I know.  Last we spoke they weren't allowed to go outside.  I hope for his sake that has changed.  We have FaceTimed a handful of times and text frequently, but it's not the same as seeing his big smile in real life.  He beams from ear to ear when the girls are at his place, playing on his bed, or dropping crumbs on his floor.  At this rate I feel like Ellie will have all her teeth before we get to visit again.   Sure, we know the risks to the elderly and the compromised, and much to his chagrin, he's both.  Sorry.  Haha!!   So for now, and probably a long time we will stay away.   

I miss my Milestones ladies.  A few years ago we started a get together, a few of us close friends meeting up at one house or another and it has evolved to include new people, some have moved away, and a few have had babies!  We have had a few Zoom parties and a round of driveway beers/backyard beers but it's just not the same.  I want to be loud and rowdy and eat snacks together!! (Notwithstanding last Sunday's events - and no, you should not put salt on a pizza.  No I didn't almost burn down the house).

I want to hug people.  All the people.  I want to see faces that I didn't give birth to or marry.  I love my family but it's become obvious to me that I need my social life.  I'm not always the first person to sign up for an activity, and sometimes I back out of plans because I do just want to go to bed at 8 pm, but the times I have with my friends I value immensely.  

The sunny warm days are my best days lately. Sitting on the deck, baby in her bouncy chair, toddler in her bouncy house (thanks a million to Amazon for supplying this very early in the lockdown, I have heard that bouncy houses and swing sets and the like are all sold out).  Thank you to the delivery drivers that bring puzzles and books called "I broke my butt" and all the restaurants that offered pick up or delivery.  

It's taken me so long to write this blog it's now bedtime.  And I have a big day tomorrow of whiny, bored toddling and poopy-bum teething babies so I need my rest.   Thanks for listening.  Wash your fucking hands. 😛💓